BEYOND the LAYERS of Fear

It's true that when you are a wee young thing, the fears are all so minimal. Each day you experience life, each week, month, year...your fears change. They start out by growing in amounts, for whatever reason. When young, a lot of fears are from the unknown or should I say the unfamiliar. Each day you are subjected to that silly little fearful thing, you discover it really isn't going to pounce on you. It doesn't bite. It doesn't hurt..and if it does (those nasty shots) it is for a very short amount of time.

I guess as you grow older the fears are still a lot from the unknown. The interview. The new job. The health of an unborn babe. A new beau. Getting lost. A new pain. A new symptom. A bad doctor report. A dentist appointment. Where does the next road go? The road of life. That door closed, when will the next open?

Sometimes, they amount to nothing. Other times it seems that they keep piling up. For good reasons or not.

The photo above is a picture of the old barn like garage from the house next door which has been abandoned. Abandoned but still owned. The roof is slowly caving in. Look in the window and you will see the entire loft has already fallen. It is piled high with all types of 'stuff'. My fear is that it will fall, cave in, and totally make any interest from a buyer of my house go away. Is this where my fear begins? No.

My house is up for sale so I can free myself of some financial burden so that I can free myself of this endless, frustrating, life changing job of mine. There are fears that my house won't sell...or I'll have to pay to get out of it in this current housing market. If I can't sell it, I can leave this job. If I can't get out of this job soon....I'm such an ugly person when I'm there. I am a totally different grumbly, not friendly enough, no patience, unforgiving, totally forgettable, unorganized, sloppy ogre. I. Am. Not. Me. If it goes much longer, I don't know how long it will take to 'get me back'. I. Miss. Me.

Yet, this isn't where the fear begins.

My dad passed away at the age of 65 from a rare form of dementia. His mom died in her 70s from a form of alzheimer's/dementia. Two out of three of his brothers died by the time they were 65 of alzheimers/dementia, the other having died much younger from cancer.

You do see where I'm going here...where I'm coming from?

I will be 55 in May. Fifty. Five.

Yes, I am scared. I have a fear that I have only ten years left to live...and I pray every day that someone will prove me wrong.

So that fear ripples on down, that there is so much left in life that I want to do. So much I haven't done. So many years of my children's and grandchildren's lives yet to enjoy. So many miles between us now that I would like to resolve. So much to write. So many pictures to take. So many hugs and smiles and kisses that I want to collect, but more so...I want to give.

A bucket list more than a mile long.

Years of falls and springs and winters and summers to enjoy.

This is the biggest fear I have right now...and one that affects so much else...and some days just seems to turn the world upside down.

(About my photo - Nikon D90 with Tamron 28 - 300 at 50mm, ISO 100, Aperture mode - set a f6.3, 1/160. The light on the building is from the setting sun...no flash, no fill light. Edited in Lightroom. I have a love for the clarity slider!!! )