BEYOND the LAYERS of Fear

It's true that when you are a wee young thing, the fears are all so minimal. Each day you experience life, each week, month, year...your fears change. They start out by growing in amounts, for whatever reason. When young, a lot of fears are from the unknown or should I say the unfamiliar. Each day you are subjected to that silly little fearful thing, you discover it really isn't going to pounce on you. It doesn't bite. It doesn't hurt..and if it does (those nasty shots) it is for a very short amount of time.

I guess as you grow older the fears are still a lot from the unknown. The interview. The new job. The health of an unborn babe. A new beau. Getting lost. A new pain. A new symptom. A bad doctor report. A dentist appointment. Where does the next road go? The road of life. That door closed, when will the next open?

Sometimes, they amount to nothing. Other times it seems that they keep piling up. For good reasons or not.

The photo above is a picture of the old barn like garage from the house next door which has been abandoned. Abandoned but still owned. The roof is slowly caving in. Look in the window and you will see the entire loft has already fallen. It is piled high with all types of 'stuff'. My fear is that it will fall, cave in, and totally make any interest from a buyer of my house go away. Is this where my fear begins? No.

My house is up for sale so I can free myself of some financial burden so that I can free myself of this endless, frustrating, life changing job of mine. There are fears that my house won't sell...or I'll have to pay to get out of it in this current housing market. If I can't sell it, I can leave this job. If I can't get out of this job soon....I'm such an ugly person when I'm there. I am a totally different grumbly, not friendly enough, no patience, unforgiving, totally forgettable, unorganized, sloppy ogre. I. Am. Not. Me. If it goes much longer, I don't know how long it will take to 'get me back'. I. Miss. Me.

Yet, this isn't where the fear begins.

My dad passed away at the age of 65 from a rare form of dementia. His mom died in her 70s from a form of alzheimer's/dementia. Two out of three of his brothers died by the time they were 65 of alzheimers/dementia, the other having died much younger from cancer.

You do see where I'm going here...where I'm coming from?

I will be 55 in May. Fifty. Five.

Yes, I am scared. I have a fear that I have only ten years left to live...and I pray every day that someone will prove me wrong.

So that fear ripples on down, that there is so much left in life that I want to do. So much I haven't done. So many years of my children's and grandchildren's lives yet to enjoy. So many miles between us now that I would like to resolve. So much to write. So many pictures to take. So many hugs and smiles and kisses that I want to collect, but more so...I want to give.

A bucket list more than a mile long.

Years of falls and springs and winters and summers to enjoy.

This is the biggest fear I have right now...and one that affects so much else...and some days just seems to turn the world upside down.

(About my photo - Nikon D90 with Tamron 28 - 300 at 50mm, ISO 100, Aperture mode - set a f6.3, 1/160. The light on the building is from the setting sun...no flash, no fill light. Edited in Lightroom. I have a love for the clarity slider!!! )

TrishaAnn C's Story - Layer 1

I was born in California to an air force serviceman and his wife, my mom. I was the oldest daughter, second out of six children, raised on a service man’s paycheck. I was the family babysitter and to this day am still considered to be the ‘responsible’ one of the family, not always something I am fond of for whatever reason.

I have seen many of the states, Okinawa and some of Europe. We moved every two to three years during my youthful years. I grew up without a childhood ‘best friend’. To this day, I love to travel. I don’t have a problem flying but much prefer a road trip if I can find someone to really ‘enjoy’ it with me and not want to rush from one spot to the next. I do long for connections with others that have the same passion as I…so hello best friends. I can’t wait to discover each and every one of you.

Nature and birdwatching have been passions of mine from early on with youthful memories of Lady’s Slippers and Barbie Doll dishes made from acorn caps, colorful piles of fall leaves, pussywillows and milkweed covered with Monarchs, monkeys in Okinawa and the plethora of birds that gathered in my grandpa’s back yard. Green has been my favorite color my entire life because it represents Mother Nature and everything beautiful she provides for us. Daisies and Sunflowers are my favorite flowers and although I love to grow a good antique rose, I much prefer a bouquet of simplicity found in daisies and sunflowers. A couple of my favorite movies – ‘Serendipity’ and Under the Tuscan Sun. Call me a romantic. I love lady bugs, owls and everything simple.

I love to garden, hike, fish and read a good book. I love the sound and smell of fall leaves, the cleanliness of the world after a good rain, the awesomeness of the warm, snow blanket Father Winter provides us with to cover the drabbiness that fall leaves behind. I prefer the rain if I can enjoy it outside under a covered deck or inside watching out a wonderful window watching the world go round. A morning walk on the beach revitalizes my spirits. A drive, just anywhere, with Barbra Streisand's 'Higher Ground' cd playing or a walk through the woods makes all the anger and frustration disappear.

I used to dream of being able to fly when I was younger. Not in an airplane but solo…just me…no wings. I stopped having those dreams after the years that I learned how to fly glider planes. I rehabilitated wildlife during four years of ‘staying at home’ while I lived in Texas. I. Collect. Notebooks. Notebooks in which I start to journal and then put it down. I’ll remove pages and start again. I buy notebooks thinking I will start again and ignoring the fact I have an entire bin of notebooks waiting to hear my words hidden in the upstairs closet. Writing is a life long dream of mine. To write a book. To travel. To see, watch, hear, touch, feel, smell, observe, share, inspire. To photograph. A book..of my own filled with words and photos to allow the world to dream upon.

I’ve been married twice and have three awesome children and two gorgeous granddaughters. All my children live in Texas…and so do my exes. (smiling) I relocated to Wisconsin in 2004, for whatever reason and truly enjoy the four seasons but it no where near comes close to the loneliness I feel from being so far away from my children.

I played with photography when my children were growing up. It was a passion that was squashed at the time by time management needed to raise children and work a full time job as well as the cost of film. Photography at that point was just documenting my children’s life in an everyday manner. I bought my first point and shoot ten years ago and shortly after that I purchased a Nikon D40 at the recommendation by my daughter. Since then I have purchased a D90 and D7000 and enjoy both of them tremendously and use them both regularly. I drool over and dream about D700's, SB900, 16mm Fisheye lenses, Nikon 70 - 200mm and discovering Lensebabys. I do have the 50mm prime, 90mm macro, a Tamron 28 - 300 which is the lens that stays on my D90 most of the time, the lens that came with the D90 and D7000, plus a wide angle and a 200 to 500mm that I'm anxious to use more during my travels this year.

My heart is with wildlife and nature, children and teens although the portraits I just kind of play around with basically because my 5 to 5 full time job keeps me from expanding any further. I love the connection I find when viewing blogs, particularly Shutter Sisters and want to participate and connect….again thwarted by the job when after a day at the office, my creativity is slim to none.

My dream job….a writer and photographer for National Geographic. Go figure. Who doesn’t have that dream?!!

My word for 2012 is expand. I have PSE10 and Lightroom 3 and have so much to learn on them. My passion for creativeness feels as if it is behind bars just screaming to get out. I discovered this class just a few days ago and it’s a wonderful thing….the feeling of hope and excitement. Expansion…here I come.

In addition to this class, I have signed up for a LR3 class with Texas Chics, a ToyCamera class with Susan Tuttle and signed up on the Kelby Training web to check out some of their videos/classes. In addition, my 'act of bravery' this year is involved in somewhat of a self portrait project from an ebook I am reading. Call me crazy…but mostly call me adventurous and excited.

Highlight of this year’s plans – my first trip to Yellowstone National Park.

I am just now joining this group and have 17 lessons to catch up on...okay...now 16. I took lunch today to read through them all to help me plan my plan of action and I must say, more than overwhelmed I am extremely excited about the things I will learn and the people I will connect with!!

…to be continued