Wednesday Words

As a continuance to my post yesterday (today was better...at least on the home front), I was advised today that my uncle had posted something on facebook that my aunt has kidney cancer. (I didn't even know he was on Facebook.)  When I heard this today, I remembered the old belief that things come in threes.  I hope this isn't true.

It also reminded me of these words that always make me want to do the craziest things to insure I have lived life to its fullest, because we never know when that chance might be gone.

Now...it's time to ponder up that 'take away my breath moments' bucket list although I believe that some of those moments just can not be planned.

How have you planned to insure you have experienced the ultimate 'take my breath away' moment?

Face to Face

I have a lot of struggles going on right now.

My job…well…it kind of sucks. Sorry. I have been doing multiple full time jobs for this company for 7 plus years now and it really has, really is tearing me apart. I blew apart a couple weeks ago when again I was stressed because I needed to be out of the office for medical reasons and thus had to scramble and work all kinds of over time just in order to leave and know that everything would fall apart while I was gone and I would be back to working overtime when I return. This is the same thing that happens when I want even just a couple days off …which makes vacation days really sucky too because they are just spent trying to recollect myself. So this time when I returned, I was also told…30 minutes after returning…that the customer service associate was leaving the company…that day…no notice…nothing…nada….zip…zilch…..ZAPPO!!! And guess who is the only other person in the company that knows how to do that job?

My house is up for sale…so I can quit my job. The house that I totally renovated four years ago. The house that I still have a home improvement loan on that I am trying to pay off…over and above the monthly payment. The house in which I have, myself, grown in….my character….my inner self. I have awesome neighbors that have helped me through so many things the past five years. My dog….Lexi…has grown up here. I have the Milwaukee River at my back door. I can walk out my back yard and be in a park, on a trail on which I have walked thousands of miles and photographed many sites over the past five years. Unfortunately I bought at a time when I was receiving the ‘first’ empty promises of relief and financial growth within the company…and have not had a raise since then….five years. Unfortunately, I bought when the housing market was awesome and now…I pray everyday I’ll atleast break even…but not gaining back what I put into it.

I feel I have been alienated by my little sister for some off the wall, totally outrageous and ridiculous reason which has just reconfirmed another one of those moral things I’ve had that I should have known better than going against and that is…do not do business with family members. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that twice in the past year. I lost my other sister nine years ago. I long for her to be here so much because I could talk to her. She…understood.

I’m getting ready to turn 55….a year that scares me because of family health history of …passing away at 65.

I love Wisconsin. I love the fall. I love the snow…for a while. I love the average summers. I love the people I have met here. The passions I have discovered here. It’s awesome to be able to walk to m mom’s….not so awesome that I don’t feel I have the energy to do as much as I should…as much as I used to do it. I love being close to my little brother but hate the distance this closeness has presented us with for…again…crazy reasons.

My children are in Texas. My grandchildren are in Texas. I miss being closer to them and I long to get there….closer and so Missouri is on my mind. I would be half way closer to them and only half way away from here. A days ride. A long weekend workable visit. It’s cheaper to live there. It’s…more laid back and although that is all scary…wondering if I will find a job that will pay enough to survive on…I’m burned out. I don’t want another high responsibility job. I want to be able to grow my passion of photography and writing. I want to leave something behind when I…’go’. I have so many thngs I want to see before then. What if….what if…I only have ten years or less to do that?

I love the man I have a ‘relationship’ with but I struggle to understand exactly what that relationship is. I’m not sure …well I’m not sure what I’m not sure of. I guess I just wonder if we are too different. I wonder if he can ever cut the umbilical chord between himself and his kids…who are grown and should be self sufficient. Days…I feel like I am competing with them. Days…I feel like I don’t belong. How…could I ever ask him to move with me? I’ve been wanting to have this talk for months now.

I’m terrible at the ‘talking face to face thing’. I’ve thought about writing it up but I know it needs to be face to face so I can really see what he is thinking, how he feels. Instead I keep it inside. This is what I do. It festers. It builds. It growls and grumbles until a volcano has grown with a tornado inside of it. Instead of talking, I suffer and when he leaves my side, when he goes off on his way to elsewhere after having spent the time that is supposed to be ours talking with them…bringing out that absolutely awful green monster (totally embarrassed to admit it), I break down. I cry. I hate myself. I hate who I have become. I hate being weak. I. Just. Break. Down.

In the end I know that I can’t ‘give up me’ for one more relationship. Maybe…I am meant to be on my own. I know that I need to be okay with that. I know and yet I hope that is not the way it will be.

Do You Know....

Who you are? Who you have been? Who you want to be?

I was in the kitchenette at this worky place of mine and a feeling of 'comfort' per se hit me. Not comfort from here. But a feeling of a...hey, I'm happy with who I am. Mind you....I have had this feeling very very rarely in these 50 plus years of mine. My life...I have let who I am be defined by many other people in my life...shoving who I really am in the closet.

As I had this feeling, I wondered...am I the only middle aged woman..or man....that all of a sudden had that feeling like you were waking up for the first time in your life...or for the first time of this part of your life. I think...maybe this is the issue with relationships. We go through life stages of knowing who we are, being lost as to who we are, wondering, wishing we could be someone, being someone that someone else wants us to be, and then pow....we realize....this is what we want. This is who we want to be. No....this is who we are and it is time we are happy and content with that...if even for just a while.

I think we change....like our taste buds change. It's not that we aren't happy with our partner. It's that we want to be this person now. We want to be us. And if they are happy with that....AWESOME. If not, should we continue to be this person others want us to be....or at some point in life's row of classrooms...isn't there one there in which we can be us? US. Who WE are.

I've had a 'few' relationships in my life. Two marriages. Three awesome children. A couple flings since the last marriage. I fell in 'love' with a guy...no...with his life. His home. The adventure...because...as much as I sometime long for a lazy day....I . Need. Adventure. (Blame it on being an airforce brat that moved every couple of years.) I want travel. The theatre. The outdoors. Seeing new sites. Meeting new people. City lights...from time to time. The desert. The ocean. The stars. The sun. The moon. And, yes, I miss the thunderstorms of Texas.

Maybe...all these feelings come from having had dinner with some wonderful friends last night at which we, as usual, discussed everything going on in our lives and during which at one point it was said that, 'We are awesome people.'

We are.

I agree.

So given all that...in my struggle to find an identity, my indecisiveness of selling my house and wondering where am I going after it is sold....maybe I should just buy a travel trailer...and hit the road. Maybe take up the invite from my Belgium BFF and learn a different culture. Enjoy the new. The unknown.

For now...I'll look forward to the trip to Texas to visit my children and grandchildren and the trip to Europe to visit my son and Belgium bff.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Life's Signs

I found this 'sign' as I was doing my treasure hunt for my 'daily photo blog'. As I snapped the shot, read the words, and post processed the photo....I realized...it was a sign..to me...about...well, life. I'm thinking that's really why they post these on the street sides.

We go through life, day after day, taking them for granted and not even noticing them most days. Because, well because they are always there. They are like a habit. There. We see them. It's normal. The 'words' all become a blur. Not meaning a thing.

Til...one day....the sign steps out in front of us and we go ' WOAHHHHH'. Okay.

Stop.
Yield.
Fork in the road.
Sharp curve....speed limit 25.


Caution. Swift Current.


Yes. Swift. Current.

And not necessarily 'strong'. Just swift. Going by fast. Quickly. Although...I guess current means 'strong' but for me that current is just 'aggravating' in a strong way...not strong in a 'good' way or I should say extremely wonderful way. It's going by fast. Its got a lot of whirlpools in it. They make me dizzy. All the decisions that need to be made that are swirling around me in the current. The flow of life.

Caution.
Oh yes. I believe I have been in this river before. I landed....feet first on shore...where it was all good for a while. I believe, I'll find shore again. Soon.