Face to Face

I have a lot of struggles going on right now.

My job…well…it kind of sucks. Sorry. I have been doing multiple full time jobs for this company for 7 plus years now and it really has, really is tearing me apart. I blew apart a couple weeks ago when again I was stressed because I needed to be out of the office for medical reasons and thus had to scramble and work all kinds of over time just in order to leave and know that everything would fall apart while I was gone and I would be back to working overtime when I return. This is the same thing that happens when I want even just a couple days off …which makes vacation days really sucky too because they are just spent trying to recollect myself. So this time when I returned, I was also told…30 minutes after returning…that the customer service associate was leaving the company…that day…no notice…nothing…nada….zip…zilch…..ZAPPO!!! And guess who is the only other person in the company that knows how to do that job?

My house is up for sale…so I can quit my job. The house that I totally renovated four years ago. The house that I still have a home improvement loan on that I am trying to pay off…over and above the monthly payment. The house in which I have, myself, grown in….my character….my inner self. I have awesome neighbors that have helped me through so many things the past five years. My dog….Lexi…has grown up here. I have the Milwaukee River at my back door. I can walk out my back yard and be in a park, on a trail on which I have walked thousands of miles and photographed many sites over the past five years. Unfortunately I bought at a time when I was receiving the ‘first’ empty promises of relief and financial growth within the company…and have not had a raise since then….five years. Unfortunately, I bought when the housing market was awesome and now…I pray everyday I’ll atleast break even…but not gaining back what I put into it.

I feel I have been alienated by my little sister for some off the wall, totally outrageous and ridiculous reason which has just reconfirmed another one of those moral things I’ve had that I should have known better than going against and that is…do not do business with family members. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that twice in the past year. I lost my other sister nine years ago. I long for her to be here so much because I could talk to her. She…understood.

I’m getting ready to turn 55….a year that scares me because of family health history of …passing away at 65.

I love Wisconsin. I love the fall. I love the snow…for a while. I love the average summers. I love the people I have met here. The passions I have discovered here. It’s awesome to be able to walk to m mom’s….not so awesome that I don’t feel I have the energy to do as much as I should…as much as I used to do it. I love being close to my little brother but hate the distance this closeness has presented us with for…again…crazy reasons.

My children are in Texas. My grandchildren are in Texas. I miss being closer to them and I long to get there….closer and so Missouri is on my mind. I would be half way closer to them and only half way away from here. A days ride. A long weekend workable visit. It’s cheaper to live there. It’s…more laid back and although that is all scary…wondering if I will find a job that will pay enough to survive on…I’m burned out. I don’t want another high responsibility job. I want to be able to grow my passion of photography and writing. I want to leave something behind when I…’go’. I have so many thngs I want to see before then. What if….what if…I only have ten years or less to do that?

I love the man I have a ‘relationship’ with but I struggle to understand exactly what that relationship is. I’m not sure …well I’m not sure what I’m not sure of. I guess I just wonder if we are too different. I wonder if he can ever cut the umbilical chord between himself and his kids…who are grown and should be self sufficient. Days…I feel like I am competing with them. Days…I feel like I don’t belong. How…could I ever ask him to move with me? I’ve been wanting to have this talk for months now.

I’m terrible at the ‘talking face to face thing’. I’ve thought about writing it up but I know it needs to be face to face so I can really see what he is thinking, how he feels. Instead I keep it inside. This is what I do. It festers. It builds. It growls and grumbles until a volcano has grown with a tornado inside of it. Instead of talking, I suffer and when he leaves my side, when he goes off on his way to elsewhere after having spent the time that is supposed to be ours talking with them…bringing out that absolutely awful green monster (totally embarrassed to admit it), I break down. I cry. I hate myself. I hate who I have become. I hate being weak. I. Just. Break. Down.

In the end I know that I can’t ‘give up me’ for one more relationship. Maybe…I am meant to be on my own. I know that I need to be okay with that. I know and yet I hope that is not the way it will be.