Would you like you, if you met you?

I don’t do a whole lot with facebook.  I have it mainly to keep up with my children in Texas.  I also keep in touch with other relatives lives through it.  I do not condone having important events announced first that way…such as engagements, weddings but, I get over it.  I use it to promote my photography but not half as much as I shouId.  One of those goals for this year. I do browse through it quickly sometimes just to see some of the funny cartoons and inspirational messages that might pop up now and then.  So I saw this one and thought it was an interesting rather deep thought.

First, my daily mantra to keep things going….

I am a writer and a photographer.

My answer to that ponderous question definitely would change on a daily, or maybe just weekly basis.  Sometimes daily.  Some weeks I love myself extremely.  I believe most people like me when they meet me.  They don’t see the inside very much unless they are around me for awhile as I tend to keep things cooped up inside, letting them out on weekends when I sit at home, crying in front of some silly movie on the television.

I tend to let myself get lost in what everyone else wants me to be when it comes to having some relationship thing going on.  New years start and I try to gather my strength again to make ‘me’ better.  To find ‘me’ again.  Then that desire for Prince Charming starts again.  I do need to realize…that my Prince Charming looks over me every day and I need to love myself deeply, every day.

Yes….me…I love me when I meet me.  It’s that me that some others want me to be that I don’t like…because..it isn’t me.  That person…is …boring and stressed..and lost.

Me…I…am a simplistic, nature loving, giving person.  Yes, sometimes too giving but isn’t that the nature of being a woman, a mother?  I have been called a very patient person many times in my life.  I do find that I am losing that a bit .  Yet, when I think about it, it’s more so when I’m lost.  I get frustrated with everything.  I’m not happy.

I’ve often been told that I have a very soothing personality that balances everyone out. Calming. (pretty sure they haven’t seen me blow up. But then most people don’t.  I hold it in.  Way too long and then one day, I break down. I give up.  I make up my mind that things will change for me (maybe not a good change for the other person involved) but for me and there is no reasoning.  Do I regret those decsions? Sometime down the road maybe but I can only think of one of those decisions that I’ve made that I still have regrets for today and that was to move too far away from my children.

I love life.  Nature. Sunsets. The beauty of everything around that we have been blessed with.  I love to laugh and love to make other people laugh. I love to garden.  I love to help other people. I am a customer service rep (my secondary job – smiling) and I love dealing with the people to insure their ordering needs are met.  I love beng a person people can go to for things. I love doing little surprising things for people. Personal things that touch their heart and soul.  I guess..that is what I also expect from them in return.

So…the answer today…the answer this week (since I’ve been really good with some of my new year goals and aspirations) is, yes…I’ve met me – ME – this week and I like me.

Hello, Me. It’s good to have you back in my life.  I hope you will stay for a while because you are one awesome inspiration!!!

Gratitude - January 7, 2014

- My first thanks for today is once again, of course, to the Dear Lord for keeping myself and my family safe.
- I thank Him for the stand of grasses surrounded by snow by Planet Fitness that are very enhancing at dusk.  They intrigue me and I am sure I have to find a good time to capture a picture without a bunch of vehicles surrounding them.
- The sunrise.  I wish I could really enjoy them each and every day.  They have been softly spectacular lately with nice pastel colors softly whispering across the sky in the morning.
- I am thankful for windows that open on nights like tonight when my pellet stove freaks out and decides to fill the house with smoke. (silently growling)
- Thanks for old friends that still call or email to check in on me when the local weather makes national news lines.

Not the best picture. taken quickly while parked at a gas station a few days ago.  It was 'warm' that day.

RADIO SERIES - 1

I don’t get out enough.  I get up in the morning, go to work, go to the gym or do a work out routine at home, eat dinner, entertain my pup, do whatever creative stuff I can do in the little bit of time left, with the energy I might still have, go to bed…and do it all over again.  The weekends?  Well, it is winter here in the Midwest and normally that doesn’t affect me getting out and about for a hike or a photography shoot.  This year it seems to be day after day of below freezing, below zero temps and that I don’t want to deal with.

In my struggles to find something to write about, I’ve decided to do a so called radio series where the topic of discussion will be prompted from the discussion they have on the radio in the morning.  Sometimes those discussions hit home.  Hit a nerve.  Get me to thinking.  Sometimes even making me smarter and braver.

Yesterday it really hit home.  The discussion question was ‘what is the most important characteristic of your perfect mate?’  For me, that seems like a very easy thing to answer what with the current situation I am in right now.

My first response is that he has to be a great companion with like interests  with a love and respect for nature and the out of doors and must like to travel.  A sense of adventure ..within reason of course.  Nothing majorly death defying or life threatening…although I guess somedays just getting in the car might be that.  But, well you know what I mean.

My current relationship of five years now has become to be and probably was always destined to be a ‘friends with benefits’ situation which I have grown to despise.  Don’t get me wrong. He is a nice guy.  A great handyman.  Not much on the romance side.  He does not like to travel unless it is just the three hour drive up to a place he has up north.  His ‘love’ of the out doors is for hunting.  Majorly.  Overdone.  Meanwhile every time he heads out to go hunting, I pray for the deer to be safe.  Unfortunately, I do love venison and haven’t eaten ‘real red meat beef’ in who knows how long.

I eat healthy. I go for walks partially to reduce the stress, get away, and partly for the exercise.  I eat very few sweets and have not fried food in who knows how long.  I like to eat something other than meat and potatoes….all the time. I don’t like wearing white shirts, etc.  They get dirty too fast and are too hard to keep clean.  I love jeans, tshirts, sweatshirts…and getting dressed up from time to time.  My Christmas gift this year was a white plush pull over with camo sleeves.  Really?  After five years?  Am I really that hard to get to know.

So , yes, I need romance. I want love and respect….but I need companionship. A partner in adventure and discovery.  This relationship has made me realize that and I now know that if that doesn’t exist…it is a deal breaker. 

So why am I still in it.  As in my two marriages,  I let my guilt get in the way and wonder if it isn’t my fault that it isn’t working. I convince myself that I need to make it work.  I worry about all those involved that might be hurt.  In the past, it was my children.  I’m not married here.  I don’t have children that will be affected by this…although I can hear their thoughts of…mom failed again.  Yet, I know…it is time to move on. It isn’t fair to him.

Gratitude - January 6 2014

Today with the dangerous temperatures in my little midwest town, I have some basic gratitudes:

Most importantly
- For the Dear Lord that hears me each and every time I say my travel safety prayer - 'Surround me by the white light of the Holy Spirit and keep me safe during my travels.  Keep all those around me safe and please keep the wildlife safe and off the roads.
- for the furnace that keeps my home and family warm.
- For My 4 runner that got me to work and back safely and warmly...for the most part.
- For my awesome new employer that allowed us to leave early today so we could get home before dark
- For my pup who keeps me on my toes, keeping me on track with all I need to do.

Thank you, Lord for all you provide for me and for all that you will provide me in the future. I can't wait for the wonderful things you have in store for me.

She patiently waits in the hallway as I prepare to go out into the world each day...in hopes that she will be able to join me for the ride or walk.

FROZEN

It’s the Midwest.  Winter.  Someone must have really made Mr. Winter upset to have him send this frigid frozen tundra our way.  It’s the first time since I moved in to this 130 year old house that I have not had my pellet stove running. The furnace is set to a warmer 70 in order to allow the heater itself to run more to keep the house warmer and to  keep the pipes from freezing. After having lived in the south many years where colder winters were few and far between,  I learned to let the water drip ever so lightly to decrease the chance of frozen pipes.

As I sit here in my studio writing, I hear the frozen breath running through the tree limbs outside.  The wind chimes with a voice that calls for a little warmth.  The floors and walls creek as the cold grounds allow the house to shift, hopefully only slightly.

If it weren’t so dark right now I would be able to see the ice crystals in all their magnificence on the window panes. If it were sunrise, they would be sparkling in a cheery but cold  ‘morning’ voice as the sunlight hit them in a rainbow like way.  Promises of warmer days. 

The breeze…not so much a breeze but a gust of wind is enabling the cold air to come through the little gaps in the older windows that surround me. All of this creating the heavy desire and burdensome thoughts of the need to put the house on the market again in hopes that it will sell this year.

Not a sound of a bird.  Not a scamper of squirrel feet on the roof top. Only the whirl of the wind and the snow flakes that might still be  a bit fluffy.  Off in the distance I can see the ski hill lights dancing between the swaying tree branches.  I often wonder how those skiers can really enjoy swooping down those cold slopes even when it is slightly below freezing.  I’m guessing those slopes will be empty today.

I woke early this morning in order to be able to begin my hopes for myself of being productive and creative going forward in this life.  All the while my body yearns to be back under the warmth of the covers snuggled with my pup who didn’t even think twice of following me up to the colder areas of the house.  She instead snuggles on the warmer floors of downstairs, belly full and bladder empty.  Dreaming of biscuits  and warmer days when the kong can be thrown more.

I listen quietly over the whirlwind for a telephone ring…possibly in hopes that work might be called off.  The radio communicates of temperatures 45 below, blowing snow across the highways creating ‘ice skating rinks’ for those careless drivers that believe nothing can get in their ways.  Knowingly, realistically, I know that within the hour I will have to wrap up tightly in a winter coat to warm the car.  Dashing quickly in hopes of making it without a wind blown hair to drive ever so cautiously to work.   Once arriving, the dash from the car to the building will be a bit longer and possibly more dangerous with ice laden parking lots.

No phone ring. Hopefulness of no work today is probably just that.  Hopefulness.  Wasted energy thoughts.  It’s time to finish preparing for the day and bravely confront Mr. Winter.

A List of 50

Oh yes, 50.  Fifty.  F. I. F. T. Y.

Fifty things I would like to accomplish this year.

You know....not necessarily personal resolutions but nice to do things.  Not necessarily goals...but, well, nice to do things.  Adventurous things. Discovery things. Scary things.  Life changing things. Creative things.  Out of the box actions.

The first and the biggest...

1. To write each and every day.  EACH and EVERY Day. Joining in on the 500 word project.

2. Do a photography project.  I just need to define if that will be the 352 days, a 52 week, or just a 12 month thingy.  Just saying it, I've already eliminated the 12 month...unless I make it a thematic monthly thingy. Of course, since it is already the 4th...I've missed 4 days of the 352...no because I took one on New Years Day. So it would just have to go into 2015 of course.  I'm going to give myself 48 hours to decide and of course, if any one has any fun suggestions...I would love to hear them.

3. Create my own personal greeting cards this year. No more store bought.  I purchased a professional photo printer and I will put it to use.

4. Do some type of volunteer work. I will take the month of January to figure out where and what that will be with a goal to get started in February. A lot of life changing plans in February. 

5. Join a bird watching club.  I miss my Texas birding.

6. Physically talk to my kids more often..you know..disconnect from facebook and texting chats. Our lives are crazy and being far apart...none of it is a good excuse any longer.

7. Sell my current house to get into a more economical one for myself.

8. To adopt a yellow tabby cat..once in a new home.

9. Read more.  More than just my photography stuff, creative stuff.  Some good novels of sort again to include some of the older classics that I didn't get into during those youthful years.

10. To find a spiritual organization that I can attend again a bit more regularly.  It's been a while.

11. To hike more this year.  I did very little last year which just isn't like me.

12. To work out at my gym at least 12 times a month. My employment health insurance will reimburse me part of the fees if I do and it definitely makes me feel better.

13. Work out a fourth day of the week at home..if not even a fifth...because I know three times a week doesn't change anything....at this age.

14. Do a daily five gratitude list.

15. Learn more vocabulary which in the end might make my writing a bit more interesting.

16. Find my more upbeat self again.  I know it is in there.  I know. 

17. Pray more often..outside of my normal daily anguish begging for assistance. You know...thankful prayers.

18. A monthly photography shoot expedition..whether it be a one day or a weekend travel stay.

19. Purchase a small lap top that I can travel with for my writing.

20. Figure out my off camera flash issue before I have my first wedding shoot of the year. 

21. Find and follow some inspirational bloggers.

22. Improve my landscape photography.

23. Pay it forward once a month at least.

24. Replace the shower head in the upstairs bathroom to make it more saleable.

25. Paint the back den and make it a sort of picture studio of my work for now, also to assist in making the house more saleable.

26. Spend Christmas and maybe even New Years with my children in Houston. 

27. Find the proper venue to sell some of my photography.

28. To go out more.  Socially.  Somehow. Somewhere.

29. To chat with my best friend Becky in Houston at least once a month.

30. Sell my Tom Clark Gnomes that are just sitting in boxes in the closet.

31. Make a photography book.

32. De clutter by having a rummage sale this year when it gets warmer.

33. Cook more...creatively.

34. A trip to see my brother in Ohio.

35. A trip to see my sister in Missouri.

36. Do all in my power to make a good family reunion happen again this year.

37. Include my mom on whatever trips I can this year.

38. Visit mom at least once a week...after all she's within walking distance.

39. A movie a month. At the theatre.

40. Chat with my wonderful neighbor on a more regular basis.

41. Attend the Horicon Bird Festival..an annual event for me.

42. Attend the Whooping Crane Festival this year.

43. Attend more fun festival things this year.

44. Learn something new.  Humm...need to figure out what that would be.

45. Make a 2014 wall calendar..better get started on this one!!

46. Make a 2015 wall calendar for friends and family by end of this year.

47. Some type of personalized photography project for someone special.

48. Do more on Capture Wisconsin

49. Be more prepared for my spring and fall photography contests.

50. Make a schedule and stick to it to be sure all these things happen.

51. After all this, you would think I should include the feat of blogging more regularly but maybe that comes under the one to do with writing more often...although my intent for this is to actually make my blog better, more attractive, more organized to capture the attention of followers that might like to comment and communicate.

52. Which means I need to follow bloggers more and comment and participate.

53. Fix my relationship issue...although listed last...I know that first and foremost...this must be resolved.

Oh (Yes, I know that is more than 50...and initially I thought I was going to have a difficult time coming up with 10.

heck...let's go with 56

54. Work on my budgetary goals in order to hopefully allow me to retire in ten years or less.

55.  This is  the silliest most difficult one of all which really disturbs me..decrease or eliminate my one really addictive behavior...coffee...creamer...both. Really where is my will power.

56.  Yep...I'm sure I'll come up with it.  Of Course....get back to the thing I love in addiiton to my writing and photography....Gardening.

So now, I have to thank Clouds in my coffee...for this awesome idea of a list which really does differ from a resolution list.  Very few if any of these things should be a far reach to complete.  I only wish I were only 38.

( I believe this is the first post I have done in quite some time that hasn't started with a photograph. Now that's new...and leaves me feeling kind of empty.)

...and then I had to get rid of the emptiness and added a a photo...it just wouldn't have been me otherwise.

(smiling)

2014 - Another Chapter

We end...2013.
We begin 2014.

I wonder if it isn't Christmas Eve as it seems 'not a creature stirs' as they slumber from a late night, early morning celebratory turning of the leaf.  Celebrating the end of one year?  Anticipating and inviting in the New Year.

My mantra...motto...for this year....2014 in for a wild ride.

It is a new year. It will bring new, exciting and scary things.
Enchantment.
Inspirational.
Colorful.

Things have to change.  Comfort is comfortable..but when that comfort is also disappointing, restrictive, controlling, debilitating and claustrophobic, uncreative and prison like....then the comfort doesn't feel good any more.

Things. Have. To. CHANGE.
When I think about what it is that needs to change, my stomach turns.  My heart cries.  My eyes...slightly..tear up.

When I look past those uncomfortable feelings and look at what it all means...for the most part it is exciting in a scary way.

Yet....I cringe because I know it means I need to be brave.  I need to make it happen. I can't blame any one or anything else except myself.

I have to be that determined Taurus Bull that I am.
I have to take control now and quit letting everything and every one else in my life control me...well..except my companion, Lexi..my Golden. She controls me in a 'responsible way'...most of the time.

I have accepted...lived with this situation for almost six years now and it hasn't been 'good' for me.  For Me.  The ME that I know I am.

Resolutions...

Yes, I have a few:


Enjoy more my passion for photography, writing, nature, bird watching and travel

	Volunteer somewhere
	Sell or refinance my house
	Regular work out schedule
	Cook more for myself - healthy I have things to learn this year.  Brave things.  Silly things.  Fun things. New job things. Adventurous and responsible...survival things. Butterflies are plenty when I think about them.  It has all been keeping me from sleeping well lately in anticipation and fear. I need to find my 'support' base. My peeps that will keep me on track. Simple abundance, Artists Way and Gratitude...will all be a part of that support. Mom...yes mom. She is always there for me if even in a quiet sort of way..but providing encouraging, don't give up feedback when I least expect it and mostly need it. I have a tendency to run away from things.  To ignore..not wanting to confront.  I keep it all closed up inside until I burst and at that point...I don't want to talk to any one about it.  I won't listen to reason because their reasoning is not what I want to hear.  I've made up my mind.  Done.  That's it. Only once has that been something I've regretted in the end...and that was moving too far away from my children...letting my ex get the best of me. One of Lily's life lectures said...don't run away from everything that has been good in your life in order to run from one thing....but instead...learn to leave behind...say goodbye...to the bad things. So...2014...the Year to rediscover.  Get back to the good that I am. I know it will be a wild ride..roller coaster like, I'm guessing.  Yet I know that every up and down, every wild turn, every bump in the road is going to be worth...the end AWESOME RESULT! Like a Bull in a China store...I will succeed. May your 2014 be filled with exciting enchantment and inspiration!!