Frustrated from a fruitless, thankless, job for a company that has poor work ethics, lack of desire for taking care of the hard working associates that work for them. Managed by ‘book smart’ and not reality street smart. Micromanaged to the very last detail of the period at the end of a sentence. Day in and day out.
I was hired by this European owned company almost 8 years ago. Hired as the first US associate to help them get the business office put together and up and running, The only other associate was a ‘said to be’ sales person that used to work for the competition. I wore many hats...basically all hats except sales..yet even part of sales from the inside. I did it all, mingled together….customer service, logistics, purchasing, office manager, accounting, market research…production to include managing contractors when installation was going on. Day in and day out reporting to multi bosses all located abroad, all with their individual priority requests…none grasping the knowledge of all other responsibilities that I also had to take care of. Slowly the business grew and didn’t grow and grew again allowing a very slow addition of a few people to slowly take some hats off my head yet leaving behind the current three very full time positions that I continue to try to Superwoman through on a daily basis.
I lost my dad and my stepdad and my younger sister all within a couple years of each other. My dad passed away at the age of 65 as has all of his brothers from dementia, daddy’s having been a very rare form with no medical relief available, no cure, not much knowledge and no way of testing for it except by brain biopsy after death. I will be, this year, 55. Fifty. Five. This truly has me struggling, scared of death that might come within in ten years with so much undone in my life. Me exhausted. Me lost and transformed into some grumpy, lack of laughter, creativity squashed person because of too many work responsibilities. Too many work hours. Too many days of self esteem squashing by over powering, manipulative managers threatened by a woman’s knowledge.
I long to have my passion and desire back again. I long for days on end of photography and writing. I long for the me that smiles and greets people as if it is the best day of life ever. I long for the me to return who loves to help and assist and puts other people first.
I leave work many days in tears. Too many mornings lately have been started filled with tears just driving in to the office because of the known layers and layers of frustrations that will be confronted within those ever enclosing four walls. I travel back home at the end of ten and twelve hour work days with no energy, no incentive, no sight of light, rest and relaxation.
I t wipes me of all the creativity. It tears away my passion for photography and writing…too exhausted to write something entertaining, something to make you smile. During the winter…this is really tough on me because then I am also couped up inside for too long, too many days in a row, too many darkened rides to work and back. During the summer, after my body has regained a bit of energy and positive thinking during the drive home, I’m able to gather enough energy to walk or run with my Golden Retriever BFF. Although it might take every little bit of energy left to get up the enthusiasm…or not…to go for a walk, to find a close by trail that will bring me joy…my GR gets me out there.
This is what saves me day in and day out. A walk in the woods with my GR. A drive to my most favorite marsh of all within close vicinity of home. Visiting places where I will be greeted by what I am sure was a very close part of me during some previous life time…the out doors, the smells of spring and fall, heat of summer with the sun warm on my cheeks, the beauty of a new blanket of snow on the ground blanketing over the duldrum brown carpet that fall left behind.
This, I believe, is where I find my Support, my life saving grace. This is where I experience the ultimate soul cleansing, brain massaging, thought organizing experience that there could ever be. The sunlight through the trees. The birds surrounding me with their chorus of opera, rock and roll, country western voices and versus. The wind rustling through the trees. The pound pound pound of some headache searching woodpecker. The cautious head lift of grazing deer. The stunts of the diving ducks and marsh living muskrats. The sound of the distant hoot from barred owls. The Robin. The robin that greets spring every year...never fail.
I drag myself out there because I have been exhausted by frustration and then I have to drag myself back because I am awed by my every sense gathering up the awesomeness that Mother nature has provided for me. And normally…I leave the woods and the marsh…kicking and screaming and smiling and breathing…easily and wonderfully. It is at this time that I tell myself that although I might have only ten years to get through my ever growing bucket list, I’ve had 55 to enjoy every drop of beauty that I have experienced on every bumpy road that life has presented me with.