Because...

I'm stuck. I'm frozen. I feel so caged up.  My daily plans got 'replanned' by other people again.  I don't know why I can't learn how to say no...I have other plans already.  Because I don't want to be selfish?  Because I question whether it is the best use of my time?  Because ...she's my mom?  because...because...because..The. Worst. Word. in. the dictionary!

I woke up with so many good intentions.  I did get the wash started.  My 'roomate' left later than expected this morning which put me off track. Yes, my own fault. I shouldn't have let that delay me.  It's the cold.  It's the winter.  It's this being cooped up inside.  It has been an extremely brutal winter.  Very few days in the mid to high 20's to allow me to get outside...other than going to work and back or the store.  Even my poor Lexi is feeling the depression.   We wrestled on the floor for about an hour hoping that would exert enough energy to feel like we had accomplished something.

Mom came to visit and brought a dvd of Route 66 and another of a historic road in Detroit.  Fun to watch but just increased this cooped up longing of wanting to get out and do something.

I have photography projects I need to deal with.  I need to work out. The house needs to be cleaned although that will be done tomorrow when I am avoiding sitting on the couch staring at someone that creates no passion for conversation or activity...together..exciting...creative.

I've found another realtor to assist in selling my current place and to find a place a bit more suitable for 'just me'...at the same time still struggling with the decision...because I don't want to move?  Because I don't know where I am going when I do sell.  Because the winter has me thinking of moving south yet I've just started a new job and don't want to change again...besides they love me and depend on me and I don't want to let yet another person down.

Here..somewhere between my stomach and my heart...something stirs. A tornado of sorts. No...a hurricane of dangerous extremes.  Waiting to explode.  To stir things ups.  A cooped up lion waiting to pounce on creativity.  A beautiful sunrise waiting to wake up the monster inside.

The sun shines brightly through the windows.  The sky is gorgeously blue.  The white carpet is refreshing.  I open the door to let Lex out and the wind just blows me away and makes me want to sit on the ground and just cry. Curl up in the fetal position.  I think of taking a ride to only be disappointed when mom calls to say my brother just got back from taking a ride to town and there were so many cars in the ditches with the blowing snow and below zero temperatures.

I only have three and a half hours before my 'roommate' returns.  Three and a half hours to do something constructive without having someone else here that makes me feel guilty about not being fully attentive to them.

Okay....sigh.  Deep breathe.  DEEP DEEP SIGH AND BREATHE.

I mentioned kong and she's up off the couch..wagging her tail.  It's time for me to bundle up and suck it up...and wag my tail too.  Hello frigging freezin temps.....HERE WE COME.