Something's Amiss

I went to a funeral yesterday.  I don't know if that is what has me off kilter today or not.  I woke up and cried for twenty minutes this morning because 'I hate my job and I don't want to go'.  I came home grumpy tonight and my Lexi is tiptoeing around me.  Standing. Staring. At this crazy lady that cries. Not knowing how to answer the questions of, 'What have I done wrong?  How can I make things right? Why am I so lost?' It must be all the little things I have done wrong piled up between a couple larger things I haven't done right?

.....

We buried and now live only with memories of Judy, the lady that lived with my dad for many years before he passed away.  She 'took care of him' during his last several years of life as he died slowly, motionlessly, having to be hand fed and cleaned like a baby from a rare form of dementia...so we were told.

Some would say she was a step mom.  They were not married.  To me...she was not a 'mom' but she was a 'step' between my dad and I.  A step separating us and at times a step connecting us.

I lived in Houston.  They in Milwaukee.  My dad and separated when him and mom got divorced after 29 years of marriage. I was 16 going on 17.  We, Dad and I, had our differences during those teen years of mine.  Differences that are not met on a normal basis between a father and daughter.  Differences that have affected who I am for some 45 years later.  It took me almost 35 to 40 years to realize how they affected me.  (I never said I was observant.)

Judy is the mother of my brother's wife and the grandmother to my nieces.

Although I appreciated, at the time, very much all she did for my dad, there were many days I questioned what the reason was behind it.  Days when  I travelled thousands of miles to come see him that she locked me out and wouldn't let me in that had me questioning it even more.  I believe he loved her.  I believed that somewhere in there she loved him.  I believe that sometimes greed gets in the way.  I also believe in karma.

I 'loved' Judy many days for what she did for my dad.  I 'loved' Judy for making my dad happy while he was healthy enough to be aware of it.  It is easy to love.  It isn't always easy to like.

Yes, there is some bitterness.  Yet there is sorrow.  I feel for my sister-in-law and my nieces as well as the rest of her family. I am sure she is a great loss to them.  I went to the funeral out of respect for my family.  It was a nice funeral, as funerals go.  They always make me think.  Ponder.  Wonder.  What will life bring around the next corner.  Will I be alive to bury my mom..or will my mom be alive to bury me. I cried at the funeral...mostly because of those thoughts and a lot for the loss and sorrow that I know everyone was feeling. I have lost my dad, my stepdad and my sister...all within a couple years of each other.  I miss them tremendously....especially my sis. Especially. My. Sister.

I hate that it takes a funeral to make you realize how very very important family is...when one has lost sight of that.

She rests in peace now.  More than likely by my dad's side, walking in heaven, because I believe we all go to heaven...sooner or later.  I love you daddy.  I miss you.  I miss what we didn't have.  I miss what we did have.