The Process

My boy toy moved out a little over a week ago.  It was time...as we felt ourselves growing apart.We weren't married but at one point in time there was talk about living the rest of our lives together.  Things kept that final 'connection' that we needed from happening.  We were both set in our ways.  Another relationship where I felt I was being controlled.  I felt I had lost myself again as I tried to focus on being what he wanted me to be...supporting him in the things he loved to do for the most part.  Giving up on things I wanted to do in order to be around him on the weekends which was about the only time we saw each other with the different work shifts.  Slowly...we drifted.  Not doing much together.  Not sitting next to each other.  Sunday drives that we loved being non existent.  Walks in the woods only happening if it were to the woods where he hunted to check on deer tracks.

We drifted. I dreamed of something more and despite the talks...nothing came of them.  Things stayed status quo.  Although it was my final decision that it was time to move on...there was no argument...no romantic fighting for me.  No second thought about it all.  I came home from work and he was gone.

I'm okay with it.  It was time to move on.

  I think my pup misses him more than I.   That night after he left I went to the gym...on a thursday as I always do.  For the past week and a half I haven't gone..finding every excuse or reason why I shouldn't.  Worried about my pup now being home all day by herself.  Feeling like I needed to reorganize closets and all...which still hasn't been done. Staying up till all hours to work on photography that I always felt guilty doing when he was around...which really hasn't had much done since the day of departure.  Finding reasons not to go on excursions with my photo friends.  Clothes still in the basket that were washed a week ago.

The week nights aren't really any different as he wasn't here any ways since he worked third shift..except he slept in the same bed.  Now I have the king bed all to myself...and my pup when she decides to climb up in it with me.

I'm okay with it.  It was time to move on.

I have my weekends now to not feel guilty about doing things I wanted to do and he didn't.  I have more 'me time' now to work on my writing and editing.

I'm okay with it. It was time.

I can cook what I want now expanding my meals outside of meat and potatoes again for something different and learning to cook new recipes again.  I'll miss the venison...but I'm okay with it.  I look forward to trying some of my cooking light recipes and eating a bit healthier.  Even after five years he still didn't get that I wasn't big on fried foods and didn't eat much red meat and liked more vegetables and fruit and didn't like the fake bottled cheese and wasn't a big fan of bacon and preferred brown rice and multigrain bread over white.

So you see...I'm okay with it.

So why has the past week and a half been very unproductive with very little editing and a whole lot of napping on the couch...not wanting to go to bed at night.  Closets not reorganized.  Cooking lights magazines not opened.  Gym not attended and no home workouts.

......................................

I woke refreshed this morning at 6:30 and climbed out of bed with the urging of my pup waiting for breakfast and....

Told myself...No More Self Pity.  I'm better than this.  I do not need a man to define who I am.

I ate a muffin, drank coffee,  sat for a bit to digest and watch some of the religious inspiration shows I've been watching and then....went to the gym.  Didn't do both routines that i normally do but it was a start.

I came home, showered and headed out to Best Buy to spend money on back up drives for my photography and a new garmin.  I made it to the grocery store for food and cleaned out my entire refrigerator of stuff that he left behind that I never use.

I vacuumed and swept....and then...

my pup talked me into laying on the floor and rubbing her belly for a while and....

I cried.

Yes...I feel empty.  I feel ashamed of having failed again.  I'm embarrassed and totally afraid to say anything to my children because I think they will once again wonder about my ability to have a relationship....because yes...he was a nice guy.



It really is just the process isn't it?  No matter how strong we want to be...there is still that process that has to happen.

Regardless of ....how Okay we say might be.