Who you are? Who you have been? Who you want to be?
I was in the kitchenette at this worky place of mine and a feeling of 'comfort' per se hit me. Not comfort from here. But a feeling of a...hey, I'm happy with who I am. Mind you....I have had this feeling very very rarely in these 50 plus years of mine. My life...I have let who I am be defined by many other people in my life...shoving who I really am in the closet.
As I had this feeling, I wondered...am I the only middle aged woman..or man....that all of a sudden had that feeling like you were waking up for the first time in your life...or for the first time of this part of your life. I think...maybe this is the issue with relationships. We go through life stages of knowing who we are, being lost as to who we are, wondering, wishing we could be someone, being someone that someone else wants us to be, and then pow....we realize....this is what we want. This is who we want to be. No....this is who we are and it is time we are happy and content with that...if even for just a while.
I think we change....like our taste buds change. It's not that we aren't happy with our partner. It's that we want to be this person now. We want to be us. And if they are happy with that....AWESOME. If not, should we continue to be this person others want us to be....or at some point in life's row of classrooms...isn't there one there in which we can be us? US. Who WE are.
I've had a 'few' relationships in my life. Two marriages. Three awesome children. A couple flings since the last marriage. I fell in 'love' with a guy...no...with his life. His home. The adventure...because...as much as I sometime long for a lazy day....I . Need. Adventure. (Blame it on being an airforce brat that moved every couple of years.) I want travel. The theatre. The outdoors. Seeing new sites. Meeting new people. City lights...from time to time. The desert. The ocean. The stars. The sun. The moon. And, yes, I miss the thunderstorms of Texas.
Maybe...all these feelings come from having had dinner with some wonderful friends last night at which we, as usual, discussed everything going on in our lives and during which at one point it was said that, 'We are awesome people.'
So given all that...in my struggle to find an identity, my indecisiveness of selling my house and wondering where am I going after it is sold....maybe I should just buy a travel trailer...and hit the road. Maybe take up the invite from my Belgium BFF and learn a different culture. Enjoy the new. The unknown.
For now...I'll look forward to the trip to Texas to visit my children and grandchildren and the trip to Europe to visit my son and Belgium bff.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.