I don’t get out enough. I get up in the morning, go to work, go to the gym or do a work out routine at home, eat dinner, entertain my pup, do whatever creative stuff I can do in the little bit of time left, with the energy I might still have, go to bed…and do it all over again. The weekends? Well, it is winter here in the Midwest and normally that doesn’t affect me getting out and about for a hike or a photography shoot. This year it seems to be day after day of below freezing, below zero temps and that I don’t want to deal with.
In my struggles to find something to write about, I’ve decided to do a so called radio series where the topic of discussion will be prompted from the discussion they have on the radio in the morning. Sometimes those discussions hit home. Hit a nerve. Get me to thinking. Sometimes even making me smarter and braver.
Yesterday it really hit home. The discussion question was ‘what is the most important characteristic of your perfect mate?’ For me, that seems like a very easy thing to answer what with the current situation I am in right now.
My first response is that he has to be a great companion with like interests with a love and respect for nature and the out of doors and must like to travel. A sense of adventure ..within reason of course. Nothing majorly death defying or life threatening…although I guess somedays just getting in the car might be that. But, well you know what I mean.
My current relationship of five years now has become to be and probably was always destined to be a ‘friends with benefits’ situation which I have grown to despise. Don’t get me wrong. He is a nice guy. A great handyman. Not much on the romance side. He does not like to travel unless it is just the three hour drive up to a place he has up north. His ‘love’ of the out doors is for hunting. Majorly. Overdone. Meanwhile every time he heads out to go hunting, I pray for the deer to be safe. Unfortunately, I do love venison and haven’t eaten ‘real red meat beef’ in who knows how long.
I eat healthy. I go for walks partially to reduce the stress, get away, and partly for the exercise. I eat very few sweets and have not fried food in who knows how long. I like to eat something other than meat and potatoes….all the time. I don’t like wearing white shirts, etc. They get dirty too fast and are too hard to keep clean. I love jeans, tshirts, sweatshirts…and getting dressed up from time to time. My Christmas gift this year was a white plush pull over with camo sleeves. Really? After five years? Am I really that hard to get to know.
So , yes, I need romance. I want love and respect….but I need companionship. A partner in adventure and discovery. This relationship has made me realize that and I now know that if that doesn’t exist…it is a deal breaker.
So why am I still in it. As in my two marriages, I let my guilt get in the way and wonder if it isn’t my fault that it isn’t working. I convince myself that I need to make it work. I worry about all those involved that might be hurt. In the past, it was my children. I’m not married here. I don’t have children that will be affected by this…although I can hear their thoughts of…mom failed again. Yet, I know…it is time to move on. It isn’t fair to him.